Comparison is the Thief of Joy

     I often remind myself how important comparison is in our individual lives and how we can control the way we feel. Most of the time, I’m overwhelmed with how beautiful life can be. But then I find myself lurking on social media, Pinterest and Tumblr, viewing beautiful exotic scenes and people whom I don’t even know claiming that they hold the key to happiness. It seems that there is quite a trend right now to break free from the corporate world and run wild through life like a leaf in the wind. But with so much happiness and pleasure, where comes the balance that makes us appreciate those times? Where is the sense of worth for your life in just running around enjoying everything without a care or responsibility to your fellow humans? Perhaps I am in a different mindset with how I was raised but what truly makes my heart beam bright is the feeling of satisfaction I receive after helping people, whether it be at my job as nurse where I often see immediate, physical results of my actions, or smiling at a stranger and helping anonymously. My work is physically and mentally exhausting some nights, but I also can’t imagine doing anything else with my career and my life. To get paid for it all is the sugar on top.

     The knowledge that I have acquired in the last few months floors me sometimes, and it’s delicious to my mind knowing that my entire career in nursing will be full of learning opportunities and the fact that there is so much left to learn. I find joy in every day. Having a warm bed with my husband and kitties waiting for me at night as I come home from the hospital. Drinking coffee in the morning and enhancing my brain with reading and writing. Being around so many knowledgeable people in a positive environment that is full to the brim with new experiences. “Every-day normal people” are IMPORTANT. It’s my true belief that we all have something to give to this world and to the community and we work best as a community that synergizes. No one person is good at everything, but each person is good at something. And when we develop and utilize ourselves we can make beautiful things happen.

     This is for those of you who feel as I do sometimes. Those of you who see other’s lives (that we can inexplicably edit to our desire on social media) and feel inadequate, you’re not. Comparison is the thief of joy. If you truly are unhappy, than there is nothing wrong with trying something new and finding a different path in life. But I feel like the internet puts so much pressure on everyone to be the most unique, the most individual and the most eccentric person you know. True life: you don’t have to do that. Live your life with purpose and with pleasure. Do something with your time here on earth and enjoy doing it. Be “normal”. Be happy. Be productive. Be satisfied.

Balance

     Balance is a very tricky thing for me right now. I feel like I’m at the cusp of figuring it out but I haven’t quite gotten there yet. August grabbed me by the collar and has been dragging me through these months without too many breaths. Starting a bachelor’s program and a brand new job at the same time has proven to be challenging, along with all the other busyness that comes with Autumn. I’ve slowed down with my photography, which is okay with me. In fact I’m taking a little hiatus after I finish up these couple sessions I already shot. For my own mental health I need to.
     I also decided to cut my hours at work by 1 less shift a week. Working evenings can be difficult in terms of your social life. I feel like if I was always scheduled day shifts I wouldn't have such a hard time working so many hours because I would see Tanner in the evenings and operate on the same schedule that so much of the world operates on. Working 3-11:30pm takes up a lot of your day. When I get home around midnight I’m usually pretty wired from my shift and it takes about 2 hours for me to fall asleep. So then I sleep in until 9 or 10am the next day. I then have a few hours to myself which I usually use to get schoolwork done until I have to get ready for work again, and the cycle repeats. I’m often scheduled 4 days in a row (I know you Monday-Friday people are scoffing now), and on those days I rarely see anyone. Tanner’s at work when I wake up and sleeping when I get home. It’s tiring.
     The trade off is that this is the job I want. I love my job. Some nights are really hard. Some nights I’m totally drained. But I knew what I was getting into. There are times that it’s so hard for me not to complain about working weekends and holidays; I just wish for a normal schedule. I then remember that there are things that I can do that a lot of people 8am-noon. I can spend a beautiful morning outside (studying usually) and soak up the sunshine that many people don’t get to feel. I can go to yoga during the week before work. I have these options, but often I’m too tired or feel guilty for not working on school stuff to do them.
     I know it will come with time, figuring out how to juggle all the aspects. I find myself looking forward to quiet and chilly winter months. This sounds terrible but I won’t feel as guilty for not going outside when it’s -10 degrees. I love being outside but sometimes it’s not a priority in my every day life. I’m reading “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen Covey right now. It’s a fantastic book full of good advice about handling your life and how you perceive everything and how to successfully prioritize things.
    For those of you that have read it, I feel like every day I’m putting out fires and accomplishing things that need to be accomplished every day that are urgent and in ways are important, but I’m often neglecting the things that are not-urgent and very important- such as going outside, or going to yoga. I’m too busy dealing with Quadrant I that I don’t get to focus on Quadrant II nearly enough. I feel like once I catch up I can start better prioritizing my time and focus on those activities that are important and non-urgent, but when will I catch up? Every week is full of work, new assignments for school, family and social events, housework, photography responsibilities and then the hopeful prospect of “me” time that doesn't really seem to ever occur.
      I know things will slow down, but in the mean time I’m just trying to figure it all out. All of you evening/weekender/holiday workers- how do you deal with it? Any advice?

August Ramblings

    As this summer comes to an end, there are a lot of things on my summer wishlist that have yet to be done. And I complain about that. About the lack of personal time and the running from one thing to the next. That's how every summer has ever been and how every summer will be. I remind myself that there have been some really wonderful and beautiful moments in these last few months that I cannot take for granted. I also remind myself that summer isn't over and even when it is, autumn will be there to welcome us with open and cozy arms.

Things left undone on my list:

• Camping trip with Tanner
• A day at Lake Calhoun
• Ride my bike (thanks to my husband for breaking my bike this spring..)

There are indeed other things that I had wanted to do, but typing out my undone list makes me realize that I actually have done quite a bit of good things as well. It's funny how easy it is to complain that we want more. More time. More things. More memories. In reality I have it pretty good. Life is a balancing act and I feel that I'm finally gaining that balance as this season comes to an end. Beginning next week my balance will be off yet again as school will be thrown into the game. I'll be working on my Bachelor's of Nursing through a part-time online program. I didn't necessarily want to go back to school but due to societal pressure and the hopes of new opportunities I am continuing my education. Secretly, a little part of me is excited for school. A large part of me is not looking forward to papers and projects and the like, but I really love learning. 

Things done this summer:

• Celebrated my Great-Grandmother's 99th birthday
• Was a part of one of my best friend's proposal/engagement
• Planted a garden
• Harvested scarce but alive produce from said garden
• Solitary walks around the St. Paul U of M campus gardens
• Non-solitary walks around the St. Paul U of M campus gardens
• Cabin day with our bests
• Como zoo with my mom and sisters and niece
• Painted our bedroom
• Celebrated my niece's first birthday
• Celebrated our two year wedding anniversary
• Grilled with my parents and grandparents
• Sat on many a porch with delicious food/drink 
• Settler's (of Catan) nights on our own porch
• Breakfast and lazy mornings with Tanner 
• Got a new cat, Eli
• Played foot golf (The game of golf but with a soccer ball)
• Attended many family dinners and get-togethers between our families
• Lunch date down-town Minneapolis with my mother in law
• Went on our annual cousin camping trip
• Started a new job on a cardiovascular floor at a hospital
• Attended a bachelorette party at a cabin
• Loudly sang along to the Beach Boys, Lana Del Rey and First Aid Kit with my husband
• Shopped a few farmer's markets
• Laid in the grass with sun on my face
• Swayed in a hammock on my sister's farm
• Swam in a few lakes
• Shot photos in a field of flowers at sunset
• Ran through warm summer rain

These summer days...

...are the ones I know I'll be dreaming of come 4 months into winter. This weekend we did our annual cousin camping trip on Lake Independence. I didn't take many photos, just these on Saturday evening at the beach. Sometimes I feel pressured to always document everything with my camera but I also simultaneously realize that I just want to experience things first hand through my own eyes rather than through a lens all the time. I think that's an important thing for us to all remember in this modern day and age where it's so easy to document and share these moments. For those of us who love photographing, it's okay to partake in this process, but also remember to take a few special moments for yourself and your own memory.

     I'm back to working evenings with my new job at the hospital. There are both negatives and positives to 2nd shift. I like having my mornings open to get things done at home, go to yoga and other classes at my gym that I wasn't able to go to before, and spend mornings and early afternoons outside if I choose to. The downside is that it seems that the majority of people I know operate on a day-time work schedule, meaning that I might be missing out on fun evening activities. Also, the days that I work I really won't be able to see Tanner at all. He works 8-4 normally and will definitely be asleep by the time I get home (which will be around midnight). I do like working evenings, but I'm also reminding myself that this schedule won't be forever.
     As always summer has snuck up on me and suddenly it's the end of July. Transitioning from one job to another has been energy consuming. Saying goodbye to my old job was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. August 25th brings the beginning of a new school semester in which I'll be taking online classes to complete my Bachelor's degree. I didn't think that I wanted to continue with school, but I'm realizing that there are a lot of opportunities that are open to BSN RN's rather than Associate's degree RN's. So now's a good time for me to continue my education.
     I appreciate all these beautiful summer moments and am trying to not wish away the time, which seems to be human nature. I love the minutes I can spend in the sun with a swimsuit on and a book in my hand, and the evenings we play Settler's on the porch. I'm hoping to sneak a few more camping trips in this summer before the sunny days are gone. Balance can be tricky.

Fleeting

     are these days and nights. Happiness encompasses the majority of my days but there are some other raw, darker emotions that make their way into the light here and there, as they do with everyone. I feel a little trapped sometimes. By the weather, by my location, by my own expectations. I've been thinking a lot lately about traveling and all the adventures I want to take. But my thinking is much more realistic than just "I want to go here someday". Because I'm realizing that "someday" can be a terrible word at times. I want to do things NOW. The realization of how short life is a blessing and a burden, I'm grateful. I love my home and who I share it with but I also want to be a bird. I want to explore and fly and then be able to come back to my nest again. I know that now is my time. 

     In less than a week we leave for the west coast. Las Vegas & California- Disneyland, Sequoia National Forest, Yosemite National Forest, San Francisco and home again. My extended family will be going to Las Vegas as well. My grandpa (whom we call Far-Far) wanted to go there for his 90th birthday this May. So we decided to make it a trip for all of us. Tanner and I will only be staying there two nights and then renting a car to drive through California and do the rest of our trip just the two of us. We'll be staying with various relatives and friends as we travel along with a few nights in a hotel and one night in a canvas tent in the middle of Yosemite. This is our first "real" adult trip together that we actually (mostly) planned by ourselves. I want to do more and more of this. I want to have weekends where we just pack up and go camping somewhere. Anywhere. That's my thinking for this summer. Adventure. Exploration.

    Being a nurse can be hard as I work every other weekend. Its a day shift that I work so I can still do things in the evening but we can't really travel out of town on those weekends that I work. I've been fortunate to always have fun opportunities in all of my summers. I don't know if there was ever a year that I didn't get to go to my family's cabin (one of my favorite places ever) or go on a summer road trip or even just camping with my family. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for all of those memories my parents created with us, even if they involved Johnny Cash for hours on end and crabby mom and dad yelling at us four girls and a dog and maybe a fiance or boyfriend all crammed into the back of a suburban for a week. 

The man of honor, my Far-Far.

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes!

     For those of you who are friend with me on facebook and/or instagram, you've already seen my big hair change recently. I chopped it off into a pixie cut that I absolutely love. My fabulous friend Mari Lanae has been doing my hair since high school (before all her professional training) and has never disappointed.  I've always played with the idea of super short hair in my head and decided to just go for it. And I love it. So win win.

    ALSO Tanner and I are going to be moving at the end of March! I'm pretty ecstatic, when we went to see the apartment my heart was so happy and just felt at home there. It's about 5 minutes away from where we live now which is perfect commute-wise for us. An old beautiful building, it has hardwood floors, big windows with tons of sunlight, white painted trim (and walls that we are allowed to paint omg), and a CLAW-FOOT BATHTUB, I repeat, a CLAW-FOOT BATHTUB. That was pretty much my selling point. Not to mention it's a two bedroom with a three season porch and tons of storage space. Still in a cute little neighborhood in St. Paul, it kind of just fell into our lap and all the details worked out perfectly. Oh yea, did I say that we can have pets there? Dogs and cats! This means that the Swenson family will probably be expanding soon (furry babies- not human babies yet). So that's the exciting news in our lives. Other than that life has been pretty steady with work and Tanner's school and keeping up with friends and whatnot.

Currently reading: A Feast for Crows (4th Game of Thrones book).

Currently watching: We just finished American Horror Story Season 1, and are simultaneously watching the Office.. again... for the third time now for me.

Currently working on: recovering our pillows for our couch once again. Messing around with patterns and colors. Also working on my yoga. I've joined LA Fitness and have been attending multiple yoga classes a week there along with the once a week yoga class I already take with my mom. I feel stronger and more balanced already. I also enjoy doing Zumba there, but I have yet to try other classes. Work has been pretty busy for me lately.

Currently excited about: (well other than the above mentioned) warmer weather and not having to worry about cars starting/getting stuck in the snow/-50 windchill readings. We've had a harsh winter this year, as everyone across the nation seems to have had also. I love outdoor activities and the peace of snow falling on a cozy day-off, but when you have a job that requires you to be there despite the weather conditions it adds a little more stress.

Recent Occurences

     Quickly I am realizing that it is time consuming to keep up a blog. Life has been a happy, busy blur for me this summer. To believe that it is already August is difficult. Time goes by so much faster than I would ever imagine it could. I feel like this summer I am finally free and really living! I am saying so many more yes's to plans and events than I have had a chance to with school going on. I have realized that you need to make every day count. Every weekend and every summer. Sometimes that means staying in, and that's okay! I can fully appreciate a night of cuddling and relaxing with my husband.
     I am a part of two weddings in our family this August. This last Saturday was one of my second cousins who got married at a bible camp that we have all gone to for years. It was such a beautiful and peaceful wedding. My feet were dirty and aching by the end of the day/night but I felt so good by the time we finally got "home" (my great grandma's house). That night after the reception we were all a little hungry. So we combined food, all of us that were staying with my Great Grandma, and had a late night feast. Not many people can say they stayed up till after 11 pm on a Saturday night making mac and cheese and eating ice cream with their dear 98 year old great grandma. It was one of those times in my life that I can't really describe but I made many mental notes throughout the event and I know I won't forget that anytime soon.
     This next weekend my first cousin is getting married. A small, beautiful little wedding will take place by the Mississippi river with celebrations to continue in the house where I grew up. For her wedding I will be a hairdresser, makeup artist and photographer. Not once have I officially been all three for a wedding. I am excited though, we did a test run and it was quite fun to prettify people! That morning I also signed up to donate blood in memory of a dear friend that I lost a few years ago. They do an annual blood drive and I haven't done it once yet. I'm a little nervous because when I last donated blood in high school I remember feeling very weak and lightheaded after. But I want to do this for her and for all of those people who have it so much worse than just feeling lightheaded for 15 minutes.
     Work has begun and in a couple weeks I will be working full time. I have a million pictures to edit right now which I go between feeling stressed and excited to work on them. I'm trying to do as much as possible to enjoy the rest of the summer but secretly I'm very excited for autumn!

To be a Gypsy

     Laying in my bed this morning reading about other people's adventures gave me a strange pang in my stomach. I spend much of my time reading about other's adventures (whether they be fictional or not) and most of the time I really enjoy spending my time doing so. But every once in a while I get that feeling. Why not me? Why was I set out for a "normal person" life? Why am I not across the seas shooting amazing photography and staying with random people and experiencing all these things that most people don't get to experience? Why am I not a super talented musician with the networking and financial means needed to be world renown? But to have a life like that takes a lot of sacrifice. Because if I had a life like that, I wouldn't have the love in my heart that I do now. Sometimes being a "normal person" isn't the worst thing in the world. Someone's got to do it. In this normal person life I have laughed a thousand times till I cried with my sisters and my family and a few close friends. I know what it is to be in a deep, selfless love that overrules anything and that I would truly give up everything for. Growing up with and learning so many lessons along side this once teenage boy who is now my husband. I know true pain and loss and hurt. I have experienced the little things, attending wedding showers and baby showers and feeling the excitement for others for their journeys through this life. Feeling everything that comes with the young stages of public elementary school, the embarrassment of middle school and the pressure of high school. What it means to really work for something. I feel like so much of my generation thinks that the worst thing in the world is to go to school, get married, buy a house, have a kid and then grow old and die. Just because its normal does not mean that its plain and untouched by excitement, love and adventure. I so often see idealizations of success that are almost imaginative. After having the love that I do now, I would not trade anything in life for this person that I have given my heart to and have accepted his heart in return. It may not be the most glamorous life. It involves a lot of just being together and not necessarily doing anything else productive. A lot of people also assume that their jobs are simply pointless and unnecessary. For the most part, unless you're still working at like a block buster movie store which would be crazy because I haven't seen one around for years, your job is probably important. Even if you work at a coffee shop. Think about how many people's days you've brightened. How many different people you get to see and meet every day. Most jobs in the world are necessary (note, not ALL, but most), and someone's got to do them. And often times that's the "normal" people of this world. You and me. But the thing that many don't understand is that you can live a normal life, and still have experiences. Still be unique. Still be happy. A crazy, adventurous, gypsy-like life is not always attainable or necessary for your time here on earth to be a pleasurable one. It may seem like you have such an insignificant life in the spectrum of this world, but in the spectrum of the universe, we are all tiny specks.

Thoughts on Being a Nurse, Time, Life and Death

     I just finished my last shift at the assisted living I was working at. It's bittersweet. I've worked for 4 years now towards being a nurse, and now that I finally am one (soon to be licensed that is) I feel excited and terrified that I am actually going to be a real nurse. The assisted living I worked at was so great as far as my schedule, or lack there of one, went while I was in school. I worked with a lot of cool people, but really I think it is the residents that I'll miss the most. Working with elderly people truly gives you such a new appreciation for life. Every time I work, I'm reminded that I'm young, my body works so efficiently although I so often complain of minor things, that I have so much left to experience in life and that it goes by so, so quickly. I love to see old photos in their apartments and when I ask them about the pictures, their faces just light up.

      I have seen beauty in so many ways working with these people. I truly believe that it has made me even gentler and a more patient person (which a nurse always should be). I have seen love shown in so many ways as well. Almost all of the residents there are warm hearted and truly happy people. They realize that there is no point in being bitter. And the ones that are bitter have such sad, pinched faces. You can feel the lack of warmth in the room. And it's not as though there was never love in their hearts. Many of them are just terribly broken and ready to be done with this physical life. The residents watch out for each other. And they care about each other. 

     I can't help but think of when I am old and frail, it comforts me to think that every one else will be too. I will have lived a full and loving life because I know even now at 22, that every day is a blessing and every breath is a gift. I am so often humbled when I am at work. I never thought that I would want to do hospice care as a nurse, but I actually now think that I would really enjoy it. It's something very special to be some one's caretaker and know that every single thing you do for them is significant. Everything you do makes a difference in their life. And to take care of some one at the end of their life is a privilege. 

     That is one of the things that most pleases me about the healthcare profession, that every single work day, you are directly making a difference in someone's life. To leave this world a better place than it was when I got here is really what I want in life. I want to make other's lives better. Happier. Fuller. I honestly feel privileged to be able to call my self a nurse. And to think that I didn't even consider being a nurse for the longest time! It actually kind of randomly hit me (while I was in Sweden I believe), so I just went with it and found out that I really like nursing and am good at it too! Funny how these things work huh.... :) Anyways, I'm feeling very thankful and humbled at this moment. One of my favorite things that one of my residents said to me was "Nurses are the angels of the world." I have already had amazing experiences and I can only imagine what the future holds for me.